He’s cynical, and if you have the type of humor that coincides with his, you may find him hilarious. But Gregory House, MD is not everyone’s cup of tea. He’s a bit of a loner in his personal life but he spends his days in a hospital where his brilliance shines through his often derisive words. You might consider his persistent irritability justified considering he deals with chronic pain in his leg, which forces him to use a cane.
He’s surrounded by doctors at work, where he serves as the Head of Diagnostic Medicine. His peers call him by his last name and are often frustrated in conversations with him. House is exceptionally dry and sarcastic. Though his comments don’t exactly garner hearty laughs, he seems satisfied giving himself a chuckle with his brand of humor.
In each episode, he is presented with a puzzling case to diagnose. Though he tends to dehumanize his patients, considering their components as if they were machines, he manages to solve even the most perplexing cases. Whether you love or hate him, you can’t deny that he’s superb at his job (and has quite a way with words).
To put these iconic lines from “House, MD” together, 247 Tempo reviewed the Quote Catalog and Reddit, where fans of the show share their favorite moments and reminisce about House’s quirks. (For more quotes, check out Clint Eastwood’s most iconic quotes.)
“Love and happiness are nothing but distractions.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 7
- Episode: 14 – “Recession Proof”
“There is not a thin line between love and hate. There is — in fact — a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every 20 feet between love and hate.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 1
- Episode: 3 — “Occam’s Razor”
“You’d be surprised what you can live without.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 2
- Episode: 6 — “Spin”
“If you can fake sincerity, you can fake pretty much anything.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 1
- Episode: 22 — “Honeymoon”
“It’s a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The only variable is about what.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 1
- Episode: 21 — “Three Stories”
“If nobody hates you, you’re doing something wrong.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 4
- Episode: 9 — “Games”
“There’s no “I” in team. There’s a ‘me’ though, if you jumble it up.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 1
- Episode: 9 — “DNR”
“The problem is, the world doesn’t work that way just because you want it to.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 1
- Episode: 16 — “Heavy”
“There are three choices in this life: be good, get good, or give up.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 4
- Episode: 9 — “Games”
“Oxygen is so important during those prepubescent years, don’t you think?”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 1
- Episode: 1 — “Pilot”
“It’s normal to be screwed up, but it’s really screwed up to romanticize it.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 8
- Episode: 6 — “Parents”
“How come God gets credit whenever something good happens? Where was he when her heart stopped?”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 3
- Episode: 24 — “Human Error”
“Figuring out who people are takes time. And it takes twice as much time if they’re trying to impress you.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 6
- Episode: 15 — “Private Lives”
“Lies are like children: they’re hard work, but it’s worth it because the future depends on them.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 4
- Episode: 10 — “It’s a Wonderful Life”
“If you wanted fair, you chose the wrong job, the wrong profession, the wrong species.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
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- Season: 4
- Episode: 7 — “Ugly”
“Do I get bonus points if I act like I care?
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 2
- Episode: 3 — “Humpty Dumpty”
“Everything is conditional. We just don’t know what the conditions are.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 3
- Episode: 7 — “Son of Coma Guy”
“Is a lie a lie if everybody knows it’s a lie?
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- Season: 1
- Episode: 7 — “Fidelity”
“I take risks, sometimes patients die. But not taking risks causes more patients to die, so I guess my biggest problem is I’ve been cursed with the ability to do the math.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 1
- Episode: 11 — “Detox”
“Nobel invented dynamite, I won’t accept his blood money.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 2
- Episode: 4 — “TB or Not TB”
“Our bodies break down, sometimes when we’re 90, sometimes before we’re even boring, but it always happens and there’s never any dignity in it. I don’t care if you can walk, see, wipe your own a**. It’s always ugly. Always. You can live with dignity, we can’t die with it.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 1
- Episode: 1 — “Pilot”
“We formulate our questions based on the answers we want to hear.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 1
- Episode: 7 — “Fidelity”
“You live under the delusion that you can fix everything that isn’t perfect.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 1
- Episode: 20 — “Love Hurts”
“I need 36 Vicodin and change for a dollar.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 1
- Episode: 1 — “Pilot”
“We were both wrong, not equally wrong. You were at least six more wronger than me.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 4
- Episode: 11 — “Frozen”
“You know what’s worse than useless? Useless and oblivious.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 1
- Episode: 21 — “Three Stories”
“I’m a very high-strung little lapdog. Ruff ruff!”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 1
- Episode: 17 — “Role Model”
“Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven’t slept with. I am that good.
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 2
- Episode: 3 — “Humpty Dumpty”
“People don’t get what they deserve. They just get what they get. There’s nothing any of us can do about it.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 6
- Episode: 5 — “Instant Karma”
“That’s a catchy diagnosis. You could dance to that.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 1
- Episode: 15 — “Mob Rules”
“If you’re dying, suddenly everybody loves you.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 2
- Episode: 2 — “Autopsy”
“Truth begins in lies.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 1
- Episode: 1 — “Pilot”
“Either God doesn’t exist or he’s unimaginably cruel.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 3
- Episode: 12 — “One Day, One Room”
“Religion is the placebo of the masses.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 5
- Episode: 15 — “Unfaithful”
“(About men growing up) Yeah, and dogs should stop licking themselves. It’s not gonna happen.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 1
- Episode: 3 — “Occam’s Razor”
“Good lord! Are you having a bowel movement or a baby?
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 1
- Episode: 19 — “Kids”
“If you could reason with religious people, there would be no religious people.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 4
- Episode: 2 — “The Right Stuff”
“You talk to God, you’re religious; God talks to you, you’re psychotic.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 2
- Episode: 19 — “House vs. God”
“You want to know how two chemicals interact, do you ask them? No, they’re going to lie through their lying little teeth. Throw them in a beaker and apply heat.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 1
- Episode: 13 — “Cursed”
“Humanity is overrated.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 1
- Episode: 1 — “Pilot”
“When we don’t find the logical answer, we settle for a stupid one. Ritual is what happens when we run out of rational.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 7
- Episode: 8 — “Small Sacrifices”
“Reality is almost always wrong.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 1
- Episode: 3 — “Occam’s Razor”
“Perseverance does not equal worthiness.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 1
- Episode: 2 — “Paternity”
“When we don’t find the logical answer, we settle for a stupid one. Ritual is what happens when we run out of rational.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 7
- Episode: 8 — “Small Sacrifices”
“The most successful marriages are based on lies.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 1
- Episode: 4 — “Maternity”
“It is in the nature of medicine that you are gonna screw up. You are gonna kill someone. If you can’t handle that reality, pick another profession or finish medical school and teach.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 1
- Episode: 21 — “Three Stories”
“You can have all the faith you want in spirits and the afterlife, heaven and hell, but when it comes to the world, don’t be an idiot. Because you can tell me that you put your faith in God to get through the day but when it comes time to cross the road, I know you look both ways.”
Source: Courtesy of Fox Network
- Season: 1
- Episode: 5 — “Damned If You Do”