What is it about alcohol that lends itself so perfectly to quotes? Well, let’s have a couple beers and chat about it. Over the years, it seems as if everyone from Benjamin Franklin to Eddie at the corner dive bar has come up with some kind of witticism about drinking booze, and we’ve rounded up 25 of the best (sorry, Eddie, yours didn’t make the list).
Alcohol obviously is a drug with countless negative health effects, but it’s also the greatest form of social lubrication. Alcohol brings us together, it makes parties fun, and it lets us unwind and have a good time, and when we’re having a good time, we want to talk about it and tell others how good of a time we’re having. So when alcohol is fueling that good time, it’s no wonder that folks over the years have come up with some pretty great quotes about it.
There are plenty of quotes and witticisms about everything from sports to politics to the workplace, but the ones about drinking seem to have the most longevity, and be the funniest. Some of these quotes are ones that you most likely already know well, some are lesser-known, some were uttered by legendary wits, and the minds behind others have been lost to the ages. But the next time you get together with your friends for a pint or two, keep these in mind and you’re bound to get a couple of laughs, especially if you live in a state where people drink the most alcohol — these are the drunkest states in the U.S.
“I feel bad for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”
CIRCA 1967: Pop singer Frank Sinatra enjoys a cocktail at an event with his daughter singer Nancy Sinatra in circa 1967. (Photo by Earl Leaf/Michael Ochs Archives/Getty Images)
- Who said it: Frank Sinatra
“I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.”
Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965) carrying the red budget briefcase from Downing Street to go to the Houses of Parliament. (Photo by Topical Press Agency/Getty Images)
- Who said it: Winston Churchill
“In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.”
- Who said it: Benjamin Franklin
“Why do I drink champagne for breakfast? Doesn’t everyone?”
English playwright, composer, director, actor and singer Noël Coward (1899 - 1973) smoking a cigarette on a terrace at night, UK, 16th December 1969. (Photo by Evening Standard/Hulton Archive/Getty Images)
- Who said it: Noël Coward
“I drink to make other people more interesting.”
- Who said it: Ernest Hemingway
“Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy.”
- Who said it: Frank Sinatra
“I’m not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. When it’s my birthday, and when it’s not my birthday.”
- Who said it: Unknown
“Here’s to alcohol, the rose colored glasses of life.”
- Who said it: F. Scott Fitzgerald
“One martini is all right, two is too many, three is not enough.”
- Who said it: James Thurber
“I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.”
- Who said it: W.C. Fields
“I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.”
1935: W C Fields ( 1879 - 1946 ) as he appears in 'The Memory Expert', (US Title: 'Man On The Flying Trapeze'), directed by Clyde Bruckman for Paramount. (Photo by Hulton Archive/Getty Images)
- Who said it: W.C. Fields
“I don’t have a drinking problem ‘cept when I can’t get a drink.”
- Who said it: Tom Waits
“To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.”
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA - SEPTEMBER 22: A video of Homer Simpson speaking is projected on a video screen during the 71st Emmy Awards at Microsoft Theater on September 22, 2019 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images)
- Who said it: Homer Simpson
“I drink to forget, but I never forget to drink.”
- Who said it: Unknown
“The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.”
- Who said it: Humphrey Bogart
“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”
circa 1945: American writer Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961) sits at a bar with a cocktail. (Photo by Hulton Archive/Getty Images)
- Who said it: Ernest Hemingway
“I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.”
- Who said it: Joe E. Lewis
“What whiskey will not cure, there is no cure for.”
- Who said it: Irish Proverb
“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.”
American journalist, writer and wit Dorothy Parker (1893 - 1967), at a restaurant. with her husband, Alan Campbell. Original Publication: People Disc - HK0426 (Photo by Evening Standard/Getty Images)
- Who said it: Dorothy Parker
“I only drink Champagne when I’m happy, and when I’m sad. Sometimes I drink it when I’m alone. When I have company, I consider it obligatory. I trifle with it if I’m not hungry and drink it when I am. Otherwise, I never touch it – unless I’m thirsty.”
- Who said it: Lily Bollinger
“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
- Who said it: Attributed to Benjamin Franklin
“There comes a time in every woman’s life when the only thing that helps is a glass of champagne.”
- Who said it: Bette Davis
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
- Who said it: Henny Youngman
“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.”
- Who said it: Dean Martin
“Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.”
December 1928: Irish dramatist, essayist, critic and pamphleteer George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950) working at his desk. (Photo by Fox Photos/Getty Images)
- Who said it: George Bernard Shaw
If these quotes have you in the mood for a cocktail, here are 35 signature drinks from around the world to try.